Your Family System — Open or Closed?
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It appeared
that both parents were scared to death of their growing and maturing
children and didn't know how to deal with the changes.
So they
simply closed themselves off to reality and tried to keep things the same.
I soon
realized that Jessie’s family was a dramatic example of a closed family
system.
It required
conformity.
It tried
to keep the outside world out. It didn't allow for growth and development, and it didn't welcome outside influences.
No Dreams,
Only Rules
The basic
difference between a closed system and an open one is how it reacts to
change.
A closed
system tries to remain static.
It’s rigid
and follows the same rules even though they are no longer appropriate.
There is no
flow of information, so people don’t share thoughts,
interests, or dreams.
Thus,
no new ideas come into the system to keep it fresh and vibrant.
It’s like
living in a house with all the windows and doors boarded up. It’s stifling
inside.
People can’t
flourish — they can only exist because the family culture doesn't support the natural changes that occur as kids grow older and
mature into the people they are intended to be.
In the end,
a closed system fails because change is inevitable.
A family
that doesn't accept it will eventually collapse.
Because
Jessie’s family couldn't adjust to the normal changes that happen in
families, both children felt trapped.
The result
was that Jessie got pregnant, the only way she could think of to escape
from the suffocation of her family.
Her
depressed brother tried to commit suicide a few months later, his only
solution for getting out.
Looking for
Opportunities
In contrast,
an open family system looks for opportunities to meet each new reality
that comes along and to make changes to accommodate them.
Healthy
families dream together about what they want to create in the future.
They talk
about plans for individual family members and for the family as a whole.
They
strategize about how they will meet their goals and they look to
the future with open arms.
But not all
change is positive and not everything that happens in a family is for the
best.
Let’s say
that your teenager announces she doesn't want to go to college even though
you have expected her to study medicine.
Or that your
twenty something decides to quit his job and become an artist.
What if your
30-year-old announces she is getting divorced because she has fallen
in love with another man?
Or your
oldest son has become an alcoholic?
These are
changes in your family that you may not have expected or wanted.
Yet an open
and healthy family is one that has developed the skills to face challenges
head on rather than one that looks away and hopes the problems
will disappear.
It’s a
family that is ready for the unexpected.
You engage
in the tough conversations — no matter what they are — relying
on the trust you've built with one another and the communication skills you've developed together.
As an open
family, there are no barriers between you because you work through
conflicts as they come up.
You see
each other with caring and forgiving eyes instead of judgmental and
critical eyes.
There are no
secrets between you because you maintain a constant flow of
information among your family members.
Most
importantly, open families do not view differences as a threat.
Here are
five characteristics of an open family:
1. People
Are Celebrated
A few years
ago, Sherri confided in me that her daughter had just told her she was a
lesbian. It was difficult for her and her husband at first. They hadn't been expecting that news.
But they
took a deep breath and said, “Okay, this is our new reality.
We’re going
to embrace it.” A couple of years later, their daughter and
her partner married. At the wedding, Sherri lifted her glass
of champagne, toasted her brand-new daughter, and welcomed her into
the family. They celebrated the two young women for who they really
were.
In contrast,
the other set of parents wouldn't talk to their daughter and only
begrudgingly attended the wedding.
They never
invited the newly married couple to their home and didn't visit when they
had a child. They allowed their prejudices and their inability to accept
their daughter to separate them from her and her new family.
2.
Relationships Are Nurtured
In a healthy
family system, relationships are strong.
Open
families welcome spouses into the nuclear family and make them feel valued
and important.
They know it
is essential to incorporate new members into their culture and to
give them time to assimilate their ways.
In my own
family, my older brother was the first to marry. My parents had a
difficult time opening up our exclusive little family of six to his new
wife.
Sadly,
they always considered her an outsider.
It was
painful for her and uncomfortable for the rest of us.
And it
robbed us of the closeness we could have had with her.
I doubt that
my sister-in-law could tell you what my parents ever said or did that made
her feel like an outsider — perhaps slightly inferior to the rest of us.
But I’ll bet
that she remembers how it felt.
Those feelings
of being demeaned, belittled, excluded, or judged linger on long after the
events that caused them have faded.
There is no
such thing as a family that doesn't change over time.
When new
members are treated with equality and dignity, the entire family benefits.
Nurturing
these new relationships in a positive and loving way is a hallmark of
an open family.
3.
Communication Flows
Last year, I
was consulting with a family in which the pattern was to collude — to
create triangles among members of the family.
Their habit
was to gossip about one another or to put down one family member in front
of another.
These triangles
would set two people against a third.
Triangles
are destructive because no one ever speaks directly to the person with
whom they have the problem.
They only
whine, complain, and criticize to a third person.
Nothing gets
solved this way.
Instead, it
erodes trust and creates a secretive and distrustful environment.
We worked
very hard in this family to dissolve those triangles and allow the communication
to be direct, clear, and honest.
They made a
commitment to stop the gossip.
They
promised one another they would not talk behind each other’s backs.
And we
practiced communication skills because they had not learned how to talk
about their problems in a constructive way.
The result?
This family learned to express their feelings honestly but in a
nonjudgmental way.
They learned
to listen to one another without being defensive, to discuss
issues rationally, and to find resolutions.
Today they
are a happier, more harmonious family.
4. Rules Can
Be Changed
In a family
I’m consulting with now, there are unwritten rules about holidays. Even
though the siblings are married with in-law families, they’re expected to
be at the home of their parents at every major holiday — with spouses
and grandchildren in tow. The rituals are set in stone. The food
is elaborate. The decorations are perfect.
The adult
children don’t have time or energy for this anymore. The times have
changed, but the rules have not.
The result
is that holidays have become drudgery for the siblings and their
families.
Most family
rules are not written down, but everyone knows what they are.
And they
know they are not subject to discussion.
When a
system is static and fixed, it prevents families from evolving, and it
becomes destructive to personal growth.
In an open
system, there is freedom to discuss rules, keeping the ones that are
appropriate to the family’s needs and changing the ones that are not.
Families
that are flexible are much more likely to succeed over time.
5. Change Is
Embraced
In Jessie’s family,
the idea of change was frightening.
Both Jessie
and her older brother were becoming adults, but their parents were unable
to go with the flow of natural maturation.
They were
frozen in place, not wanting to acknowledge how things were.
Jessie’s pregnancy
threw them into chaos. They kicked her out of the house, not even willing
to talk with her about her options. Fortunately, she found a foster home
until she was old enough to be on her own.
Sandy
experienced a similar situation when her teenage daughter announced she
had gotten pregnant by a guy she had met on a European trip that
summer.
Unlike Jessie’s parents, Sandy opened her arms to her daughter, talked with her about her options, and supported her fully in the decision she made.
Unlike Jessie’s parents, Sandy opened her arms to her daughter, talked with her about her options, and supported her fully in the decision she made.
Both families
had to cope with an unexpected change. Only one family faced the change in
a healthy way.
By embracing the concept of change and understanding that changes will come into your family — whether you want them to or not — you will be better prepared to deal with them in a way that brings your family together instead of tearing it apart.
By embracing the concept of change and understanding that changes will come into your family — whether you want them to or not — you will be better prepared to deal with them in a way that brings your family together instead of tearing it apart.
Become a
Family That Flourishes
Closed
families circle their wagons and try to maintain the status quo. They
consider life risky and dangerous.
Healthy, open families are growth-oriented, creative, and hopeful for the
future.
They view
life as an adventure.
They realize
that each new person they add will shift the dynamic of their family. They
look forward to the new perspectives of incoming spouses and the
enrichment of a growing family.
Here are
some tips for developing a more open family system.
1. Adopt an
attitude of acceptance.
Teach everyone in your family that differences are
not a threat, but an opportunity for increased tolerance,
understanding, and wisdom.
2. Take time
to get to know every member of your family more intimately
— including spouses and grandchildren.
Learn about
their interests, talents, ideas, and dreams. Let them know that you
value them just the way they are, even though they may be different
from you.
3. Spend
time building relationships among family members. Plan activities that put
different generations together and make extended family members feel
as important as nuclear family members.
4. Don’t
gossip about other family members.
Encourage each person to speak directly
to the person with whom they have an unresolved issue, and don’t
allow two people to take sides against a third.
5. Be
flexible in changing old traditions, rituals, and rules that have become
outdated.
Listen to the input of younger generations and create new rules
that fit more appropriately with the needs and desires of your
family.
6. Embrace
change.
It’s inevitable.
Learn to go with the flow and enjoy the
ride!
Fear permeates the environment of a closed system.
But an open
system operates on a foundation of closeness, growth, and the ability to
choose.
These are gifts that will allow you and every member of your family
to prosper, both individually and collectively.
About the author: Dr. Joanne Stern’s important family advice is part of the Bonner Family Office. The Family Office is designed to give high net worth families the help they need to ensure their wealth lasts for many generations to come. Right now you can get full access to the Bonner Family Office for a fraction of the price when you take advantage of their once a year Open House. Plus, you’ll also be able to join them at the Family Workshop in Nicaragua next February.
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