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Happy New Month People

It is the 1st day of the new month of May
the 5th month of the year 2017

I just want to wish you the best that the month will bring
and the courage to accept whatever it brings

Because as the world rushes towards entropy, things would continue to be more disorganized
governments will continue to fail
and governance shall become more of a personal pocket -full venture

If you really want to have a good month
Take your mind off what Government can do for you
Concentrate your thoughts on what God can do for you using the talent He has deposited in you

The less of attention you give to Government and its utopist promises, the more at peace you'll be with yourself and then the easier it is for you to discover that no Government in this world can improve your economy if you are not personally involved in creating and improving your own personal and family economy

Remember, "I will lift up my eyes to the hills, from whence cometh my help? My Help cometh from the Lord, Who made HEAVEN and EARTH ..."

Happy new month folks

God be with you

#DrJTF

Are You In A Relationship Now? Then Read This

My oldest daughter, Jenna, recently said to me, “My greatest fear as a child was that you and mom would get divorced. Then, when I was 12, I decided that you fought so much that maybe it would be better if you did.” Then she added with a smile. “I’m glad you guys figured things out.”

For years, my wife, Keri, and I struggled. 

Looking back, I’m not exactly sure what initially drew us together, but our personalities didn’t quite match up. 

And the longer we were married the more extreme the differences seemed. 

Encountering “fame and fortune” didn’t make our marriage any easier. In fact, it exacerbated our problems. 

The tension between us got so bad that going out on book tour became a relief, though it seems we always paid for it on re-entry. 

Our fighting became so constant that it was difficult to even imagine a peaceful relationship. 

We became perpetually defensive, building emotional fortresses around our hearts. We were on the edge of divorce and more than once we discussed it.

I was on book tour when things came to a head. We had just had another big fight on the phone and Keri had hung up on me. I was alone and lonely, frustrated and angry. I had reached my limit.

That’s when I turned to GOD. Or turned on GOD. I don’t know if you could call it prayer—maybe shouting at GOD isn’t prayer, maybe it is—but whatever I was engaged in I’ll never forget it. 

I was standing in the shower of the Buckhead, Atlanta, Ritz-Carlton yelling at GOD that marriage was wrong and I couldn’t do it anymore. 

As much as I hated the idea of divorce, the pain of being together was just too much. I was also confused. I couldn’t figure out why marriage with Keri was so hard. 

Deep down I knew that Keri was a good person. And I was a good person. So why couldn’t we get along? Why had I married someone so different than me? Why wouldn’t she change?

Finally, hoarse and broken, I sat down in the shower and began to cry. 

In the depths of my despair powerful inspiration came to me. You can’t change her, Rick. You can only change yourself. 

At that moment I began to pray. If I can’t change her, GOD, then change me. I prayed late into the night. 

I prayed the next day on the flight home. 

I prayed as I walked in the door to a cold wife who barely even acknowledged me. 

That night, as we lay in our bed, inches from each other yet miles apart, the inspiration came. I knew what I had to do.

The next morning I rolled over in bed next to Keri and asked, “How can I make your day better?”

Keri looked at me angrily. “What?”

“How can I make your day better?”

“You can’t,” she said. “Why are you asking that?”

“Because I mean it,” I said. “I just want to know what I can do to make your day better.”

She looked at me cynically.

“You want to do something? Go clean the kitchen.”

She likely expected me to get mad. Instead I just nodded. “Okay.”

I got up and cleaned the kitchen.

The next day I asked the same thing. “What can I do to make your day better?”

Her eyes narrowed. “Clean the garage.”

I took a deep breath. I already had a busy day and I knew she had made the request in spite. I was tempted to blow up at her.

Instead I said, “Okay.” I got up and for the next two hours cleaned the garage. Keri wasn’t sure what to think. 

The next morning came.

“What can I do to make your day better?”

“Nothing!” she said. “You can’t do anything. Please stop saying that.” “I’m sorry,” I said. “But I can’t.”

I made a commitment to myself. “What can I do to make your day better?” “Why are you doing this?” “Because I care about you,” I said.

“And our marriage.” 

The next morning I asked again. And the next. And the next. 

Then, during the second week, a miracle occurred. As I asked the question Keri’s eyes welled up with tears. 

Then she broke down crying. When she could speak she said, “Please stop asking me that. You’re not the problem. I am. I’m hard to live with. I don’t know why you stay with me.”

I gently lifted her chin until she was looking in my eyes. “It’s because I love you,” 

I said. “What can I do to make your day better?” “I should be asking you that.” “You should,” I said. “But not now. Right now, I need to be the change. You need to know how much you mean to me.” She put her head against my chest. “I’m sorry I’ve been so mean.” “I love you,” I said. “I love you,” she replied. “What can I do to make your day better?” She looked at me sweetly. “Can we maybe just spend some time together?” I smiled. “I’d like that.”

I continued asking for more than a month. And things did change. The fighting stopped. Then Keri began asking, “What do you need from me? How can I be a better wife?”

The walls between us fell. We began having meaningful discussions on what we wanted from life and how we could make each other happier. 

No, we didn’t solve all our problems. I can’t even say that we never fought again. But the nature of our fights changed. 

Not only were they becoming more and more rare, they lacked the energy they’d once had. We’d deprived them of oxygen. We just didn’t have it in us to hurt each other anymore.

Keri and I have now been married for more than 30 years. I not only love my wife, I like her. I like being with her. I crave her. I need her. 

Many of our differences have become strengths and the others don’t really matter. 

We’ve learned how to take care of each other, and, more importantly, we’ve gained the desire to do so. 

Marriage is hard. But so is parenthood and keeping fit and writing books and everything else important and worthwhile in my life. 

To have a partner in life is a remarkable gift. I’ve also learned that the institution of marriage can help heal us of our most unlovable parts. And we all have unlovable parts.

Through time I’ve learned that our experience was an illustration of a much larger lesson about marriage. 

The question everyone in a committed relationship should ask their significant other is, “What can I do to make your life better?” 

That is love. Romance novels (and I’ve written a few) are all about desire and happily-ever-after, but happily-ever-after doesn’t come from desire—at least not the kind portrayed in most pulp romances. 

Real love is not to desire a person, but to truly desire their happiness—sometimes, even, at the expense of our own happiness. 

Real love is not to make another person a carbon copy of one’s self. It is to expand our own capabilities of tolerance and caring, to actively seek another’s well being. All else is simply a charade of self-interest.

I’m not saying that what happened to Keri and me will work for everyone. I’m not even claiming that all marriages should be saved. 

But for me, I am incredibly grateful for the inspiration that came to me that day so long ago. 

I’m grateful that my family is still intact and that I still have my wife, my best friend, in bed next to me when I wake in the morning. 

And I’m grateful that even now, decades later, every now and then, one of us will still roll over and say, “What can I do to make your day better.”

Contributed

Is Your Family A Closed Or An Open One?

Your Family System — Open or Closed?

By Dr. Joanne Stern Sitting in the living room with Jessie and her family, I felt almost enclosed in a box.  This was a troubled family. The air was stifling, and no one smiled. Jessie and her brother barely spoke to their parents. Secretly, they both used drugs and alcohol. Jessie was rebellious; her brother was depressed. As we talked, Jessie looked angry and sullen. She was uncooperative and spoke only when her parents asked her a question. Prior to my visit to her home, she had been very open with me, sharing her interests and her hopes, as well as her thoughts about her family. Jessie thought her parents were critical, closed-minded, and demanding. After spending a couple of hours with them, I agreed. There was no joy, friendship, or mutual respect in this family.  No sense of delight in being with one another — only the expectation that both Jessie and her brother fall in line with the family schedule and march to the tune of their parents’ daily routine.

It appeared that both parents were scared to death of their growing and maturing children and didn't know how to deal with the changes.

So they simply closed themselves off to reality and tried to keep things the same.

I soon realized that Jessie’s family was a dramatic example of a closed family system.

It required conformity.

It tried to keep the outside world out. It didn't allow for growth and development, and it didn't welcome outside influences. 

No Dreams, Only Rules

The basic difference between a closed system and an open one is how it reacts to change.

A closed system tries to remain static.

It’s rigid and follows the same rules even though they are no longer appropriate. 

There is no flow of information, so people don’t share thoughts, interests, or dreams. 

Thus, no new ideas come into the system to keep it fresh and vibrant.

It’s like living in a house with all the windows and doors boarded up. It’s stifling inside.

People can’t flourish — they can only exist because the family culture doesn't support the natural changes that occur as kids grow older and mature into the people they are intended to be. 

In the end, a closed system fails because change is inevitable.

A family that doesn't accept it will eventually collapse. 

Because Jessie’s family couldn't adjust to the normal changes that happen in families, both children felt trapped. 

The result was that Jessie got pregnant, the only way she could think of to escape from the suffocation of her family. 

Her depressed brother tried to commit suicide a few months later, his only solution for getting out.

Looking for Opportunities

In contrast, an open family system looks for opportunities to meet each new reality that comes along and to make changes to accommodate them. 

Healthy families dream together about what they want to create in the future.

They talk about plans for individual family members and for the family as a whole.

They strategize about how they will meet their goals and they look to the future with open arms. 

But not all change is positive and not everything that happens in a family is for the best. 

Let’s say that your teenager announces she doesn't want to go to college even though you have expected her to study medicine.

Or that your twenty something decides to quit his job and become an artist.

What if your 30-year-old announces she is getting divorced because she has fallen in love with another man?

Or your oldest son has become an alcoholic? 

These are changes in your family that you may not have expected or wanted.

Yet an open and healthy family is one that has developed the skills to face challenges head on rather than one that looks away and hopes the problems will disappear. 

It’s a family that is ready for the unexpected. 

You engage in the tough conversations — no matter what they are — relying on the trust you've built with one another and the communication skills you've developed together. 

As an open family, there are no barriers between you because you work through conflicts as they come up.

You see each other with caring and forgiving eyes instead of judgmental and critical eyes.

There are no secrets between you because you maintain a constant flow of information among your family members.

Most importantly, open families do not view differences as a threat. 

Here are five characteristics of an open family:

1. People Are Celebrated

A few years ago, Sherri confided in me that her daughter had just told her she was a lesbian. It was difficult for her and her husband at first. They hadn't been expecting that news. 

But they took a deep breath and said, “Okay, this is our new reality.

We’re going to embrace it.” A couple of years later, their daughter and her partner married. At the wedding, Sherri lifted her glass of champagne, toasted her brand-new daughter, and welcomed her into the family. They celebrated the two young women for who they really were. 

In contrast, the other set of parents wouldn't talk to their daughter and only begrudgingly attended the wedding. 

They never invited the newly married couple to their home and didn't visit when they had a child. They allowed their prejudices and their inability to accept their daughter to separate them from her and her new family.

2. Relationships Are Nurtured

In a healthy family system, relationships are strong. 

Open families welcome spouses into the nuclear family and make them feel valued and important.

They know it is essential to incorporate new members into their culture and to give them time to assimilate their ways.

In my own family, my older brother was the first to marry. My parents had a difficult time opening up our exclusive little family of six to his new wife.

Sadly, they always considered her an outsider.

It was painful for her and uncomfortable for the rest of us.

And it robbed us of the closeness we could have had with her. 

I doubt that my sister-in-law could tell you what my parents ever said or did that made her feel like an outsider — perhaps slightly inferior to the rest of us.

But I’ll bet that she remembers how it felt.

Those feelings of being demeaned, belittled, excluded, or judged linger on long after the events that caused them have faded. 

There is no such thing as a family that doesn't change over time.

When new members are treated with equality and dignity, the entire family benefits.

Nurturing these new relationships in a positive and loving way is a hallmark of an open family.

3. Communication Flows

Last year, I was consulting with a family in which the pattern was to collude — to create triangles among members of the family.

Their habit was to gossip about one another or to put down one family member in front of another.

These triangles would set two people against a third. 

Triangles are destructive because no one ever speaks directly to the person with whom they have the problem. 

They only whine, complain, and criticize to a third person.

Nothing gets solved this way.

Instead, it erodes trust and creates a secretive and distrustful environment. 

We worked very hard in this family to dissolve those triangles and allow the communication to be direct, clear, and honest.

They made a commitment to stop the gossip. 

They promised one another they would not talk behind each other’s backs.

And we practiced communication skills because they had not learned how to talk about their problems in a constructive way.

The result? This family learned to express their feelings honestly but in a nonjudgmental way.

They learned to listen to one another without being defensive, to discuss issues rationally, and to find resolutions.

Today they are a happier, more harmonious family. 

4. Rules Can Be Changed

In a family I’m consulting with now, there are unwritten rules about holidays. Even though the siblings are married with in-law families, they’re expected to be at the home of their parents at every major holiday — with spouses and grandchildren in tow. The rituals are set in stone. The food is elaborate. The decorations are perfect. 

The adult children don’t have time or energy for this anymore. The times have changed, but the rules have not. 

The result is that holidays have become drudgery for the siblings and their families. 

Most family rules are not written down, but everyone knows what they are.

And they know they are not subject to discussion.

When a system is static and fixed, it prevents families from evolving, and it becomes destructive to personal growth. 

In an open system, there is freedom to discuss rules, keeping the ones that are appropriate to the family’s needs and changing the ones that are not.

Families that are flexible are much more likely to succeed over time. 

 5. Change Is Embraced 

In Jessie’s family, the idea of change was frightening.

Both Jessie and her older brother were becoming adults, but their parents were unable to go with the flow of natural maturation.

They were frozen in place, not wanting to acknowledge how things were. 

Jessie’s pregnancy threw them into chaos. They kicked her out of the house, not even willing to talk with her about her options. Fortunately, she found a foster home until she was old enough to be on her own. 

Sandy experienced a similar situation when her teenage daughter announced she had gotten pregnant by a guy she had met on a European trip that summer. 

Unlike Jessie’s parents, Sandy opened her arms to her daughter, talked with her about her options, and supported her fully in the decision she made. 

Both families had to cope with an unexpected change. Only one family faced the change in a healthy way. 

By embracing the concept of change and understanding that changes will come into your family — whether you want them to or not — you will be better prepared to deal with them in a way that brings your family together instead of tearing it apart. 

Become a Family That Flourishes

Closed families circle their wagons and try to maintain the status quo. They consider life risky and dangerous. 

Healthy, open families are growth-oriented, creative, and hopeful for the future.

They view life as an adventure.

They realize that each new person they add will shift the dynamic of their family. They look forward to the new perspectives of incoming spouses and the enrichment of a growing family. 

They embrace new relationships, new ways of thinking, and new challenges in the future.

3 Essential Money Lessons To Teach Your Children

When your mother is a financial advisor, you tend to learn about money at a very young age.

Gail Winslow, a financial advisor with RBC Wealth Management in Washington, D.C. and mother of six (and grandmother of six more), says she gave her kids an allowance when they were eight years old, and immediately began teaching them the basics of managing money.

“If they wanted to buy gum with their allowance, they could, but if they wanted something bigger they had to learn to save for it,” says Winslow. “If they didn’t have the money saved, they didn’t get it.”

Think that’s young?

Darla Kashian, a financial advisor and first vice president with RBC Wealth Management in Minneapolis, says that kids as young as three-years-old understand that you exchange money to buy things.

She gives her two children—ages five and eight—one quarter every Friday for each year of their age.

In other words, one gets $1.25 per week and the other receives $2.

“It’s so important to teach kids about saving for the future and to express your family values,” says Kashian.

“We actively save money for our philanthropic activities and talk to our kids about it.”

Winslow and Kashian have a wealth of information to impart to their kids, but here are three lessons they agree are essential.

1. Pay Yourself First

“Put away money from every single paycheck starting with the very first one you earn,” advises Winslow.

“Don’t wait until the end of the month because there won’t be anything left.”

Kashian says that understanding how compounding interest works is crucial to growing wealth.

“The ability to postpone gratification now for greater things in the future is a lesson that should be taught as early as possible.

Understanding the power of compounding interest is a part of that lesson.”

“Every child should be taught to be mindful of what each decision they make means for their financial future,” says Kashian.

2. Understand How Debt Works

Kashian requires her kids to have cash with them if they want to make a purchase. As she puts it, “I’m a human being, not a bank.” 

And she’s already talking with her children about how to pay for college.

“My goal over the course of their growing up is to have transparency,” she says. “I want to make sure that none of our expectations come as a surprise and that none of the financial realities of life come as a surprise.”

“Do not ever charge anything you can’t pay for,” warns Winslow.

But Winslow also says that part of understanding debt is knowing that the occasional debt can be financially beneficial. 

She says one of the best investments in the world is a 30-year mortgage, especially when interest rates are under four percent.

3. Integrate Your Values with Your Money

“Integrating your values and your money means that teaching your kids about money becomes part of a bigger mission,” says Kashian.

“If they learn to think about their values while they’re making decisions then it’s easier to understand when to save for the future and when it makes sense to spend money.”

When her children buy something with their own money, Kashian pays the sales tax. “I want them to understand that I believe in taxes as a way to support our community,” she says.

Kashian comes from a working class family that didn’t have extra money to spare for the violin lessons she wanted to take.

After some family discussions, her father agreed to pay for every other lesson if she could pay for the rest.

“I never missed a single violin lesson because I understood what it cost,” she says.

Kashian says she wants her children to understand their privilege to be raised in a household with money, and to know that the money comes from the family’s hard, honest work.

She says parents and grandparents need to learn to articulate the planning, the sacrifices, and the savings required to provide special experiences for their children and grandchildren.

Final Thoughts on Money Lessons for Kids

“Teach your children to be reasonable with their money—and not extravagant—and to save, save, and save some more and they’ll live a secure life,” says Winslow.

Kashian says that parents shouldn’t be nervous about teaching their kids about money.

“It’s kind of like the ‘New Math’ — just stay one step ahead of your kids and learn alongside them if your experience growing up wasn’t optimal,” she says. “It doesn’t have to be super-complicated. You can always ask for help from a financial advisor—that’s the key to long-term generational wealth.”